Traveling with Friends: How to Savor Your Trip and Not Hate Each Other at the End
Travel is a beast! Delayed flights, lugging bags around, hopping metros, changing homes/hotels, catching cabs, learning languages and all of the other pieces that come along with it can be A LOT to manage! Add in some humans with all of our feelings, needs, wants, hangry moods and sleepy eyes, and you may have a recipe for a hot mess of a trip if you aren’t prepared.
My husband and our two friends just got back from a three-week European adventure. Before we left, someone said, “Good luck being friends when you get back.” Immediately, I felt a mix of “How rude” but also “Shoot… maybe we won’t be friends…”
First, can we stop speaking that over people before they set out on the adventure of a lifetime? It just isn’t helpful. It’s like, “Oh, you bought 30 balloons to celebrate some wonderful moment? Let me just pop a few because they’ll deflate in a few days anyway.” Boo! How uncool!
Moving on…
The four of us are good friends, and we weren’t oblivious to the difficulties of squishing our four selves into close spaces for three weeks. This is why, prior to our trip, we had a few very specific conversations. Most importantly, we talked about how we would handle conflict when it came up. Not if, when. The reality is this: we are four very different people, even though we have lots of things in common and even though we love each other a whole bunch. If we’re going to make this an amazing trip for all of us, we needed to have an honest dialogue about these three questions:
1. What is it like to live with you?
What are the things I need to know about your daily routine? Are you a morning showerer or nighttime? How much time does it take you to get ready in the morning? Anything important about your daily routine I should know? How soon in the morning is too soon to talk with you…before coffee?
2. What really matters to you on this trip? What are your 1–2 must dos?
What are those one or two experiences that you’ve looked most forward to and are nearly non-negotiable? The whole group agreed to rally around each person and make those things happen. (Emphasis on 1–2 things. No one gets 12+ non-negotiables.)
3. How will we handle conflict?
This one is the most important! Because if you can figure this one out, you can work through the first two. Many times, people avoid this conversation in hopes that conflict just won’t happen. Allow me to gracefully hold your hand, look kindly into your eyes and say, “That just ain’t gonna happen.” I wish it would, but it’s just not the reality of relationships, let alone when you’re traveling around the world together in close quarters.
Here’s what you need to think about: the way you manage conflict in your normal life with the person or 2–3 people closest to you (partner, roommate or best friend) is likely how you’ll try to manage conflict on this trip. Your travelmates are going to see you from sun up to sun down. They’re going to get the highs and lows of you, especially if your trip is a long one. Your self-awareness of your norm is the first step.
Next, you must keep in mind some of the luxuries you are not going to have:
1. Lots of space to yourself.
2. Lots of time to process privately or with one person.
3. Time to blow. This trip is finite.
So be honest with yourself… how do you see it going? How do you see yourself doing? Then you need to share this with your group. Be honest about how you typically are in conflict: avoidant, abrasive, defensive, submissive, a blend. Talk about how you like to be confronted if it needs to happen. Do you want someone to say, “Hey, I’ve been hurt by some things you’ve said. Can we talk about that sometime today?” Do you prefer they just get to it immediately? Does being called out in front of others totally embarrass you? These things need to be known. Basically, you’re teaching a crash course in how to relate with you in hard situations. DO NOT AVOID THIS CONVERSATION NO MATTER HOW AWKWARD IT MAY BE. It will only make your life harder, and it will steal the joy of your trip with your friends.
Our group agreed to this: If someone has a problem, they’ve got to say something. Even in moments we weren’t ready to talk yet, we found saying things like, “Hey guys, I’m feeling off. I need some time on my own,” or “Hey guys, I’m frustrated about some stuff, but I’m not sure how to communicate it yet. Maybe we can talk about it tomorrow” is so helpful. Or if we were just tired of being around other humans, a simple “Y’all, I need some space and alone time” was1000x more helpful than internally and secretly getting angry that we weren’t getting the space that no one knew we needed.
You have a responsibility to the people you’re traveling with to be honest about what’s up with you and what you need relationally from them. They have the same exact responsibility. One person’s dynamic impacts the entire group’s dynamic.
Your choice to communicate openly deflates the awkward tension that everyone else is already probably feeling, and it unifies your group rather than leaving your friends guessing what’s the matter and how they may be at fault. That’s just torture for everyone.
Everyone’s agreement to handle things openly also gives any one person in the group the chance to say to another, “Hey friend, we agreed we’d talk openly and honestly if something was bothering us. It seems like something is bothering you, and I want to check in with you about it so we can all continue to enjoy our trip together. What’s going on?”
That is such a gracious invitation that brings closeness rather than an outburst that pushes blame or anger and therefore, creates divisiveness. Nothing about conflict is easy, but hashing it out is a must. Not to mention, the more time you spend not talking about whatever is annoying you, hurting you, or disappointing you, is time that you aren’t spending enjoying the amazing trip you’re on.
So the key to traveling the globe with your friends: have the hard conversations before the trip, and have the hard conversations during the trip. Then savor every stinkin’ moment of the glory of all you’re doing and seeing!
P.S. We’re still friends :)
To see more photos of my recent travels or connect in general, you can find me here on Instagram: @kristirowles_
